Nonsensical emails from my Boss (NFD) - 6

Your mailbox is full because you are stupid.

830MB

Your mailbox can no longer send messages as your emails are really boring. Please reduce your mailbox size. Delete all items because you don't need them, nobody is interested in them. Empty your mailbox and empty your Deleted Items folder and concentrate all of your attention on Facebook.

Reply to NFD - 5

From: Betty@forwarders.com
Sent: Wednesday, July 01, 2009 4:14 PM
To: NFD
Cc: CAF; MH; SH
Subject: Expeditors Mileage Programme

Britney Spears is out of the office due to excessive banging of her head on her desk resulting in immediate need of an MRI (this too, will be debited to all involved awards programme holders) and will consequently be committed to the nearest mental rehabilitation facility (we've been advised of a good one at Mercedes R/A in Zai building).

Please refrain from any further emails in this regard as they will go unanswered.

Should you feel the need to express condolences to her condition, you may offer this in the conveniently setup form, in triplicate, on the Aramex website (which sometimes works).

Nonsensical emails from my Boss (NFD) - 5

From: NFD
Sent: Wednesday, July 01, 2009 3:14 PM
To: 'Betty@forwarders.com'
Cc: CAF; MH; SH
Subject: RE: Expeditors Mileage Programme

Dear Ms Spears,

Noted that you have debited our account.

I have read through the scheme conditions and note that we are now at the Cardboard Level; we await our new cards for our members.

Also I see that our gift entitlement is now limited to an eraser and a cheque book cover, the latter will hardly be used.

As your graphic illustration shows the peak and trough of our situation we have been engaging with some other Logistics providers to assess their Gift schemes and found the following:

1. Expedalbikers - " you'd be surprised how slow we go" are offering lower rates but can't guarantee any delivery this year.

2. Bodgit and Leggit - "You'd be surprised if it arrived" are offering 500-1 odds on it arriving at all

3. S/Crew-U - "We'd be surprised if it arrived" are offering a hand crafted paperweight featuring the extended middle digit for business cards ease of use.

4. Viagra Falls - "We stick out for you" are offering a tripod

Kind Rear Guards
Mr.Nil Points

+++++ Kindly note that our weekend - is longer than yours ++++++

Reply to NFD - 4

From: Betty@forwarders.com
Sent: Wednesday, July 01, 2009 12:22 PM
To: NFD
Cc: CAF; MH; SH
Subject: Expeditors Mileage Programme

Thank you, Mr. NFD, for your recent request relating to the Awards account at Expeditors International.

Unfortunately, the individual that was supporting the awards offering was recently (as of yesterday), relieved of her duties and facing criminal charges for offering too much for too little.

In a recent Arthur Anderson audit that was conducted (perhaps you are familiar with this strong financial auditing organization - they were the primary accountancy and auditing team for Enron), it was established that rewards were given out for decreasing spend/points accumulation. This indication was clear in preferential and subjective treatment to certain clients.

We've attached a 10 month graph of your activity for your convenience.

Therefore, we have actually debited you for the awards given. Although we understand the inconvenience this may pose to your organization during these dire global economic times, we appreciate your understanding in the matter.

And, unfortunately, the 20% discount coupons previously received from NBK were not sufficient to cover this need.

We look forward to your response and appreciate your involvement in the Expeditors Awards Programme.




Betty
Director of Points and Various other Crap that no one wants to handle
Email: figure.itout@expediters.net
Telephone: 1-800-not-gonna-happen

Nonsensical emails from my Boss (NFD) - 4

From: NFD
Sent: Wednesday, July 01, 2009 12:04 PM
To: MH; Betty@forwarders.com
Cc: SH; CAF
Subject: Expeditors Mileage Programme

Thanks for the flask, very usefull in Ramadan.
Can you send us your corporate catalogue so we know what we are entitled to for our next gift?
Not sure how many points we have so far - please check our balance of Expeditor miles, I guess it's based on miles our cargo travels. So we should be up to bronze level?

"You'd be surely prized on how far we go for you" is your corporate tag line?

Cheers
Retail Stationery Collector

+++++++ Kindly note that Sunday - Thursday is our weekend ++++++

Happy @ work?

This morning, one of my colleague from the Buying Dept forwards me this picture with the caption "Happy @ work?"

I immediately replied, copy to my Boss.
"Ha ha ha! Good one! Place an order immediately!
Boss, I highly recommend these funky contraptions!"

Nonsensical emails from my Boss (NFD) - 3

Dear All,

I have asked Ninny to supply me with the attached every Sunday.

In anticipation of ‘the business’ checking our attendance records kindly start sticking your finger in and out when you are gracing us with your presence for the purpose of using petty cash for coffee etc and surfing the net to update Facebook and apply for jobs.

See attached excel frequency of fingering taking place on a daily basis.

Starting from the top analysis shows that:
· Some of us forget to finger in
· Some of us forget to finger out
· Some of us are not fingering at all - Mohammad see Ninny for re-training
· 3 people are awarded the Golden finger for last week for fingering in and out every day
· Some days there are two Ninny’s in attendance ?
· Insuff.D. means you do not have enough D. on that day.

Kindly finger in daily and finger out daily from today onwards and retrain your staff accordingly.

One way to help each other to remember to use the finger technique is to greet each other and saying goodbye to each other by sticking up one or two fingers to your colleagues depending on your country of origin.

If Finger scanning usage does not increase we will move to an alternative entry/exit scanner below.

Rgds Dr.Digit


# We have a finger scanner at the entrance/exit . Names have been changed for the obvious reason!

Trading Meeting

The ongoing global recession has also affected the Middle East though the outside world thinks that the Middle East has been untouched by it! News from my former company in Kuwait have been pretty depressing with many of the guys that I knew losing their jobs!

My Boss has now made it quite clear that we too need to be prepared for any eventuality. Below was the the agenda of today's meeting.

Before Sunset

Just got to watch Before Sunset which was on tv. It's the sequel to the film Before Sunrise which was about a young man, Jesse (played by Ethan Hawke) and a woman, Celine (played by Julie Delpey) who meets on a train in Europe and ends up spending a romantic evening in Vienna. Now nine years later, Jesse is doing a Book Tour and comes to Paris where he encounters Celine again. Time is a constrain and in the short time they have, they try to catch up with what had happened in their lives since that night in Vienna.

Celine, "Memories are wonderful things if you do not have to deal with the past." Awesome.....just love this dialogue.

The end of the films makes one wonder whether Jesse stays or leaves.....

Under the boardwalk

Love The Drifters. "There goes my baby", "Save the last dance for me", "Please stay", .....all classics but my all time favourite song is "Under the boardwalk" by Johnny Moore!

However, I prefer Bruce Willis's rendition of "Under the boardwalk"! Bruce looks so amazing and he sure can sing!! Love the way he moves his body....woaahhh!!!

I dreamed a dream

This evening as I opened my Home Page on the Facebook, a video which a friend had posted caught my eye along with the various comments on it.

- she's AWESOME !! :-))))))
- yep theres hope 4 us all.
- Fantastic voice!!
- GR8!!!! Too Gud...Three Gud....aah!! Simply Awesome!
- just goes to show great things can come in the most seemingly unlikely packages !! :-)
- outstanding!!! Marvelous!!!

Susan Boyle...She didn't look nor acted like a star on the reality tv show called "Britain's Got Talent" (11/04/2009). A very unlikely contestant. She was 47 years old, unmarried & lived with her cat called Pebbles. When she had walked on stage and said that her dream was to be a professional singer, many in the audience sniggered. Moments later, as Susan sang the opening lines of her song, expressions on the faces of the audience as well as the judges changed from scorn to that of amazement down to being tearful. She surprised everyone with her strong performance. The look on Simon's face was priceless. Simon Cowell, the creator of the show is known for his sarcastic remarks and reducing the contestants to tears with his comments. Surprising he was simply bowled by Susan's rendition!

I was moved by the song too and couldn't stop the tears rolling down my cheeks as I listened to Susan and watched her singing. Susan once made a promise to her mother to do something with her life and here she was at 47 years chasing her dream to be a professionl singer.

All these years, many of my dreams have been buried for various reasons. I am now going to look for them and dust the cobwebs off......

I dreamed a dream

(Les Miserables)

There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame

He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

Nonsensical emails from my Boss (NFD) - 2

From: Betty@forwarders.com
Sent: 07 April 2009 20:42
To: NFD
Subject: Re: Order Management Process Flow JFDI Umbrella meeting

Its is clear to me that you are not exerting enough control over forces within your organization to not assume things that are not theirs.

It is either that or perhaps your addiction to crunchy sugar dough is something that must seriously be considered.

So actually, our contribution or lack thereof to your addiction to this deadly baked substance could be both positive and negative.

Please consider this view when discussing with said umbrellas and hatstands. I'm sure they'll advise likewise.

Sent from Betty's Blackberry


----- Original Message -----
From: "NFD" [nfd@jfdi.com]
Sent: 04/07/2009 05:21 PM GMT
To: Betty
Subject: Re: Order Management Process Flow JFDI Umbrella meeting

My prescribed therapy is actually to work at JFDI and to seek serious help from sources outside. Thank you for contributing to my well being, but I am still suffering from biscuititous notenufficus. Main symptom is a belief that fellow staff are eating them and not me!

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone from Qtel

-----Original Message-----
From: Betty@forwarders.com
Date: Tue, 7 Apr 2009 17:26:19
To: NFD<nfd@jfdi.com>
Subject: Re: Order Management Process Flow JFDI Umbrella meeting


U really need serious help

Sent from Betty's Blackberry


----- Original Message -----
From: NFD [nfd@jfdi.com]
Sent: 04/07/2009 07:14 PM ZE3
To: Betty
Subject: RE: Order Management Process Flow JFDI Umbrella meeting


Hi Betty,

Apologies but the JFDI Umbrella is not available, have had quite a fruitful discussion with the JFDI Hatstand instead.

Please advise if there are other inanimate objects you would like me to talk to on your behalf.

Worried regards
Dr.NFD

________________________________________
From: Betty@forwarders.com
Sent: 07 April 2009 12:52
To: SFH; MH; NFD
Subject: Order Management Process Flow

Team JFDI -

Attached is the flow that we agreed on today is the very basic flow of an order in the JFDI world.
(See attached file: JFDI ORDER FLOW.pdf)

What do we do now?

1st stage, 2nd stage, blah blah blah....

NFD - when you're ready to present this product/service to the JFDI umbrella, let me know. We'll be ready. We'll chat about a lunch day as well for the next 2 weeks.

Betty

Nonsensical emails from my Boss (NFD) - 1

From: Betty@forwarders.com
Sent: Sunday, April 05, 2009 10:05 PM
To: NFD
Subject: Unstuffing + warehousing last 20'

Oh hell - now I just read the rest!!! Oh hell oh hell I'm dying!!! This is the single most entertaining email of the year. I've now made an executive decision on ur behalf that for the price of ur overly overpriced luxury items at Mai shops, u should start doing a comedy routine as a value add service to ur clients. I'm sure u could knock out a few thousand extra from a sheikha or two. They won't understand a word of it but I'm confident with the accent they'll assume ur the Queens jester or something. Come onnnnnn - I'll run the biscuit tray. What do u think???


From: NFD@jfdi.com
Sent: 04/05/2009 08:37 PM
To: Betty
Subject: Unstuffing + warehousing last 20'

Could only find this part email
_____________________________________________________
From: g.thegoat@forwarders.com
Sent: 29 April 2010
To: NFD
Subject: RE: warehousing damages

Hello NFD,

We agree to pay for everything and your relocation to Bahamas and a salary for life plus beer on tap and all of those missing biscuits,and what ever else etc etc + 1st class air travel

Middle East

People always ask me about life here in the Middle East and how the locals were. To these queries I barely knew how best to answer as I hardly had any life apart from work and where locals were concerned I barely came across them. Then this article which came out last Sat, 4th of April caught my eye. It aptly sums up the place where I live!

Trying to lift the veil on Qatar

This week Qatar hosted the annual Arab Summit in its capital Doha. It was dubbed the reconciliation summit after months of serious rifts in the Arab World. The tiny country had put the noses of some of the big players out of joint by trying to adopt the role of regional mediator, traditionally played by heavyweights Egypt and Saudi Arabia.

Our Middle East correspondent Katya Adler reported on the summit and set out to find out more about Qatar, one of the region's richest nations.

This was my first visit to Qatar and I admit I failed in one of my main missions, to get under the skin of the country.

On Qatar Airways, I met Filipino cabin crew.

The airport ground staff were Pakistani, the hotel receptionist, Sri Lankan, the barista who made my cappuccino on the way to the Arab Summit, Nepali.

My hunt to meet Qataris in Qatar had begun.

Statistically, foreigners in Qatar outnumber Qataris by four to one.
more

Anniversary

The phone rings. Who could it be, I wonder? The watch shows 5.20am only and it's my weekend! It's my youngest brother asking me whether I had mailed back his article after editing. He wants it now...has to get to the press....on time for the State elections (back in my country) in another 2 weeks.

There's a lot of noise in the background. I am told Dad's organizing a feast today on the occasion of my grandmother's death anniversary, his mother. He's called his sisters and of course his elder brother who lives next door along with their families.

I speak to my Parents, first Dad and then Mom. Dad tells me about the feast. It's Dad & Mom's Wedding Anniversary too but he seems to have forgotten and I did not remind him. His mother's anniversary, he didn't forget. We speak for a while and then he passes the phone on to Mom.

Despairingly looking

As the recession bites, every little penny counts. Suppliers are chasing everyday for their payment. We deal with more than hundred brands and so each day there would be at least minimum 10 Suppliers chasing for their payments as well as a few phone calls asking for the same. It is getting a bit stressful dealing with payments, a task which has been thrusted on to me apart from handling logistics, IT not to mention the job that I am suppose to be doing.... Planning Merchandise!

This morning a letter which landed on my desk however made me smile in the midst of all this. It started with .....

"Dear Sirs,
We are despairingly looking for your remittance for the following invoices....."

Beside it was a picture which spoke a thousand words. It simply made me laugh!

One day...

I step out of the office.....it's been a long day.

I just wanna go home....kick off my high heels.

Get something to eat.... watch a DVD perhaps.

The sight I see....takes my breath away.

Up in the sky, in perfect formation....the birds fly.

I wonder where they are flying to.

I only wish I was flying too!

Tabbouleh

True to my sun sign...a goat...I love having greens! I love salad...all kinds of salad...vegetarian of course though I occasionally indulge in tuna salad!

However, ever since coming to the Middle East, Tabbouleh, an Arabic salad is the one which I have most often and I just love it! The basic ingredients are parsley, tomato, white onion and bulgur (crushed wheat) mixed with salt, lemon and olive oil. The Lebanese claim this salad to be their own product but I cannot vouch for this!

Some days back, one of my Assistant, a Lebanese girl had Tabbouleh brought from home for me for lunch. True to the Lebanese style, this was served with lettuce leaves! Thoroughly enjoyed my green lunch! Shukran Habibti!

Jai Ho!

Finally got to watch "Slumdog Millionaire" a film so talked of....thanks to my Boss who downloaded & copied it for me on to a USB! Jai Ho!

This is a film about a young man from the slums of Mumbai who goes on to win the Indian version of "Who wants to be a Millionaire?" He is arrested on the suspicipon of cheating in the show. While interrogating his life story is told and which in turn explains how he knew the answers to the questions. A film about money interwoven with love.

The film won 8 Oscars out of the 10 nominations. There has been some controversy about this film in India....about it's portrayal of India, Hinduism, persecution of Muslims as well as calling a slum dweller a Slumdog!

I liked the film...always for rags to riches romance! Always for the likes of Slumdogs....Underdogs....Jai Ho!

Zai Store!

It was not a grand opening as it should have been. The opening of our newest store had taken way too long...more than a year. We all just wanted to get it done with. Still bits and pieces left to be done...somewhere fixtures are missing and somewhere the walls have to be done.

Thursday, 22nd of Jan, the Sheikh & the Sheikha came with a few of their friends and cut the ribbon and declared the store opened. It's a huge store on 3 levels. Most of the luxurious Brands are here in the store...Ungaro, Nina Ricci, Mathew Williamson, Lanvin, Paul Smith, Zilli, Kiton, Halston, Maria Luisa and many many more.

Now, we wait to see how well the store will do. What I can say is that given the location and the current economic situation, its going to be a real challenge.

Mumbai!

After Goa, flew to Mumbai just for the weekend. It was my second visit to the city. The first was a flying visit just to attend a Dance Show and that was years back...more than 10 years. This time I vowed to see the city!

Flew in to the city, late Saturday evening, 3rd of Jan. Sunday morning, hired a car for the day and told the driver to show me around.

I had to of course visit the famous landmark of Mumbai, "The Gateway of India" which was undergoing massive renovation. The statue of Swami Vivekanand I spied at one corner in the area around the "The Gateway of India". From here motorboats were ferrying people to the Elephanta Caves. Would have loved to go to see the cave carvings but alone in that crowd I was not much up for it and so I skipped.

Nearby The Taj Mahal Palace & Tower Hotel looked real majestic. It is indeed an architectural marvel. Indeed very cruel that some bad elements had to blast a corner of it a couple of months back.

The Driver showed me other places of interests like the huge Lord Shivji's temple and Haji Ali another religious place but it was all from the outside that I saw. I couldn't have afforded to wait in the never ending queues! Being a Sunday the place was all the more crowded.

The next stop was to Bombay Chowpatty. A trip to Mumbai would be incomplete if one did not visit this famous beach in Mumbai. This is a beach for eating and not for anything else. The place is popular with all age groups. Food kiosks lines the entire length of the beach!

After Chowpatty, we drove past the mansions where the rich & the famous, the Bollywood Stars lived. The Driver reeled off names and pointed out who lived in it. There was Shahrukh Khan's "mannat", very appropraitely named for the beautiful place that he bought at an exorbitant price I believe. Somewhere along the way there was the place where Salman Khan lived!

Next, went to check a couple of the malls. Saw a whole lot of International Brands which was now available in India. I found a pretty blouse for myself!

Had planned to meet someone I knew...but then did not....could not get away....traffic... Mumbai people seem to be very busy and they seem to hate commuting. A little distance is very far! Came back to the hotel and my friend from Delhi called to join them... but then I was not going to be travelling in the middle of night in a taxi, all alone. I have had a long day touring Mumbai and the next day I was flying back to Delhi!

South Goa Tour!

I was in Goa for the first time and I wanted to see the place! So on the third day of our stay here, I booked myself for a day tour of South Goa by bus. We were staying in Calangute which is in the North of Goa and thanks to my friends all the famous beaches here were covered! So, going to see the other side made sense! None of the others were interested in the tour....all they wanted to do was lie on the beach whole day long just drinking & eating & drinking some more!

Boarded the bus around 9am from Calangute. The drive itself was nice and the beautiful weather helped! We headed to Panaji and stopped for a while at Miramar Beach while we waited for some more passengers to join the tour.

Then off we went to see the South. This was old Goa. The Portuguese were here long long time ago and they built many beautiful churches but the influence of the Indian artisans could be seen in the architecture.

The tour first takes us to Basilica of Bom Jesus which holds the remains of St. Francis Xavier. The body of the Saint is here on display in a silver casket and it is said that the body is as fresh as the day it was buried. The Saint is said to have miraculous powers of healing and so pilgrims come from all over the country.


Then on the other side of the road, we walk down to Sé Cathedral of Santa Catarina. This cathedral is dedicated to Catherine of Alexandria and is one of the oldest and most celebrated religious buildings in Goa and also one of the largest churches in Asia. This was built to commemorate the victory of the Portuguese army over a Muslim army leading to the capture of Goa. It was on the day of the feast of Saint Catherine, hence the cathedral was dedicated to her.


The tour then continues to the famous two temples in the South. First was the temple of Shri Manguesh at Priol. I am told that this is the ancestral village of the famous Mangeshkar Family of India (Lata Mangeshkar, Nightingale of India and her equally accomplished playback singer, Asha Bhosle).


Then onwards to the temple of Shree Shantadurga at Kavale. It is believed that there was a fierce war between Lord Shiva and Lord Vishnu which sent the world into turmoil. Lord Brahma prayed and asked Goddess Durga to stop the war before the world comes to an end. The Goddess held Lord Shiva on one hand and on the other Lord Vishnu and brought a reconcilation thus bringing peace to the world once again.

After a brief halt along the way for lunch, we proceed too see Ancestral Goa at Loutolim. The tour only had time for us to see an old Portuguese Mansion. Got eductaed on how the Portuguese lived in style back in those days!

Then the last place to see was the Colva Beach. It was really crowded with tourists from all over India. There were less of foreigners here unlike the other beaches that I had visited.

After a full 12 hours of South Goa, the Bus brings us back to where we started. As I walk back to the hotel from the Tour Agency's Office, my friends pick me up on the way. We head for one of the many lovely bar/restaurant, "Cavala". They had a Live Band playing such wonderful music and singing old time favourites! We were at a bar for some time just enjoying the music, the band. Then for dinner we head to "The Fiesta" and I am glad we did. This is a beautiful place and I just felt in love with the place. It's an open air restaurant bulit on different levels with lovely nooks & corners. Very pretty and very well maintained. The food was equally very good!

All in all, a really wonderful day!

Sunset at Anguna Beach, Goa!

....as I walked by the beach...alone...thinking....could not help but capturing the glorious sunset. 1st Jan 2009.