Nonsensical emails from my Boss (NFD) - 6

Your mailbox is full because you are stupid.

830MB

Your mailbox can no longer send messages as your emails are really boring. Please reduce your mailbox size. Delete all items because you don't need them, nobody is interested in them. Empty your mailbox and empty your Deleted Items folder and concentrate all of your attention on Facebook.

Reply to NFD - 5

From: Betty@forwarders.com
Sent: Wednesday, July 01, 2009 4:14 PM
To: NFD
Cc: CAF; MH; SH
Subject: Expeditors Mileage Programme

Britney Spears is out of the office due to excessive banging of her head on her desk resulting in immediate need of an MRI (this too, will be debited to all involved awards programme holders) and will consequently be committed to the nearest mental rehabilitation facility (we've been advised of a good one at Mercedes R/A in Zai building).

Please refrain from any further emails in this regard as they will go unanswered.

Should you feel the need to express condolences to her condition, you may offer this in the conveniently setup form, in triplicate, on the Aramex website (which sometimes works).

Nonsensical emails from my Boss (NFD) - 5

From: NFD
Sent: Wednesday, July 01, 2009 3:14 PM
To: 'Betty@forwarders.com'
Cc: CAF; MH; SH
Subject: RE: Expeditors Mileage Programme

Dear Ms Spears,

Noted that you have debited our account.

I have read through the scheme conditions and note that we are now at the Cardboard Level; we await our new cards for our members.

Also I see that our gift entitlement is now limited to an eraser and a cheque book cover, the latter will hardly be used.

As your graphic illustration shows the peak and trough of our situation we have been engaging with some other Logistics providers to assess their Gift schemes and found the following:

1. Expedalbikers - " you'd be surprised how slow we go" are offering lower rates but can't guarantee any delivery this year.

2. Bodgit and Leggit - "You'd be surprised if it arrived" are offering 500-1 odds on it arriving at all

3. S/Crew-U - "We'd be surprised if it arrived" are offering a hand crafted paperweight featuring the extended middle digit for business cards ease of use.

4. Viagra Falls - "We stick out for you" are offering a tripod

Kind Rear Guards
Mr.Nil Points

+++++ Kindly note that our weekend - is longer than yours ++++++

Reply to NFD - 4

From: Betty@forwarders.com
Sent: Wednesday, July 01, 2009 12:22 PM
To: NFD
Cc: CAF; MH; SH
Subject: Expeditors Mileage Programme

Thank you, Mr. NFD, for your recent request relating to the Awards account at Expeditors International.

Unfortunately, the individual that was supporting the awards offering was recently (as of yesterday), relieved of her duties and facing criminal charges for offering too much for too little.

In a recent Arthur Anderson audit that was conducted (perhaps you are familiar with this strong financial auditing organization - they were the primary accountancy and auditing team for Enron), it was established that rewards were given out for decreasing spend/points accumulation. This indication was clear in preferential and subjective treatment to certain clients.

We've attached a 10 month graph of your activity for your convenience.

Therefore, we have actually debited you for the awards given. Although we understand the inconvenience this may pose to your organization during these dire global economic times, we appreciate your understanding in the matter.

And, unfortunately, the 20% discount coupons previously received from NBK were not sufficient to cover this need.

We look forward to your response and appreciate your involvement in the Expeditors Awards Programme.




Betty
Director of Points and Various other Crap that no one wants to handle
Email: figure.itout@expediters.net
Telephone: 1-800-not-gonna-happen

Nonsensical emails from my Boss (NFD) - 4

From: NFD
Sent: Wednesday, July 01, 2009 12:04 PM
To: MH; Betty@forwarders.com
Cc: SH; CAF
Subject: Expeditors Mileage Programme

Thanks for the flask, very usefull in Ramadan.
Can you send us your corporate catalogue so we know what we are entitled to for our next gift?
Not sure how many points we have so far - please check our balance of Expeditor miles, I guess it's based on miles our cargo travels. So we should be up to bronze level?

"You'd be surely prized on how far we go for you" is your corporate tag line?

Cheers
Retail Stationery Collector

+++++++ Kindly note that Sunday - Thursday is our weekend ++++++

Happy @ work?

This morning, one of my colleague from the Buying Dept forwards me this picture with the caption "Happy @ work?"

I immediately replied, copy to my Boss.
"Ha ha ha! Good one! Place an order immediately!
Boss, I highly recommend these funky contraptions!"

Nonsensical emails from my Boss (NFD) - 3

Dear All,

I have asked Ninny to supply me with the attached every Sunday.

In anticipation of ‘the business’ checking our attendance records kindly start sticking your finger in and out when you are gracing us with your presence for the purpose of using petty cash for coffee etc and surfing the net to update Facebook and apply for jobs.

See attached excel frequency of fingering taking place on a daily basis.

Starting from the top analysis shows that:
· Some of us forget to finger in
· Some of us forget to finger out
· Some of us are not fingering at all - Mohammad see Ninny for re-training
· 3 people are awarded the Golden finger for last week for fingering in and out every day
· Some days there are two Ninny’s in attendance ?
· Insuff.D. means you do not have enough D. on that day.

Kindly finger in daily and finger out daily from today onwards and retrain your staff accordingly.

One way to help each other to remember to use the finger technique is to greet each other and saying goodbye to each other by sticking up one or two fingers to your colleagues depending on your country of origin.

If Finger scanning usage does not increase we will move to an alternative entry/exit scanner below.

Rgds Dr.Digit


# We have a finger scanner at the entrance/exit . Names have been changed for the obvious reason!

Trading Meeting

The ongoing global recession has also affected the Middle East though the outside world thinks that the Middle East has been untouched by it! News from my former company in Kuwait have been pretty depressing with many of the guys that I knew losing their jobs!

My Boss has now made it quite clear that we too need to be prepared for any eventuality. Below was the the agenda of today's meeting.

Before Sunset

Just got to watch Before Sunset which was on tv. It's the sequel to the film Before Sunrise which was about a young man, Jesse (played by Ethan Hawke) and a woman, Celine (played by Julie Delpey) who meets on a train in Europe and ends up spending a romantic evening in Vienna. Now nine years later, Jesse is doing a Book Tour and comes to Paris where he encounters Celine again. Time is a constrain and in the short time they have, they try to catch up with what had happened in their lives since that night in Vienna.

Celine, "Memories are wonderful things if you do not have to deal with the past." Awesome.....just love this dialogue.

The end of the films makes one wonder whether Jesse stays or leaves.....

Under the boardwalk

Love The Drifters. "There goes my baby", "Save the last dance for me", "Please stay", .....all classics but my all time favourite song is "Under the boardwalk" by Johnny Moore!

However, I prefer Bruce Willis's rendition of "Under the boardwalk"! Bruce looks so amazing and he sure can sing!! Love the way he moves his body....woaahhh!!!