From: Betty@forwarders.com
Sent: Wednesday, July 01, 2009 4:14 PM
To: NFD
Cc: CAF; MH; SH
Subject: Expeditors Mileage Programme
Britney Spears is out of the office due to excessive banging of her head on her desk resulting in immediate need of an MRI (this too, will be debited to all involved awards programme holders) and will consequently be committed to the nearest mental rehabilitation facility (we've been advised of a good one at Mercedes R/A in Zai building).
Please refrain from any further emails in this regard as they will go unanswered.
Should you feel the need to express condolences to her condition, you may offer this in the conveniently setup form, in triplicate, on the Aramex website (which sometimes works).
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Nonsensical emails from my Boss (NFD) - 5
From: NFD
Sent: Wednesday, July 01, 2009 3:14 PM
To: 'Betty@forwarders.com'
Cc: CAF; MH; SH
Subject: RE: Expeditors Mileage Programme
Dear Ms Spears,
Noted that you have debited our account.
I have read through the scheme conditions and note that we are now at the Cardboard Level; we await our new cards for our members.
Also I see that our gift entitlement is now limited to an eraser and a cheque book cover, the latter will hardly be used.
As your graphic illustration shows the peak and trough of our situation we have been engaging with some other Logistics providers to assess their Gift schemes and found the following:
1. Expedalbikers - " you'd be surprised how slow we go" are offering lower rates but can't guarantee any delivery this year.
2. Bodgit and Leggit - "You'd be surprised if it arrived" are offering 500-1 odds on it arriving at all
3. S/Crew-U - "We'd be surprised if it arrived" are offering a hand crafted paperweight featuring the extended middle digit for business cards ease of use.
4. Viagra Falls - "We stick out for you" are offering a tripod
Kind Rear Guards
Mr.Nil Points
+++++ Kindly note that our weekend - is longer than yours ++++++
Sent: Wednesday, July 01, 2009 3:14 PM
To: 'Betty@forwarders.com'
Cc: CAF; MH; SH
Subject: RE: Expeditors Mileage Programme
Dear Ms Spears,
Noted that you have debited our account.
I have read through the scheme conditions and note that we are now at the Cardboard Level; we await our new cards for our members.
Also I see that our gift entitlement is now limited to an eraser and a cheque book cover, the latter will hardly be used.
As your graphic illustration shows the peak and trough of our situation we have been engaging with some other Logistics providers to assess their Gift schemes and found the following:
1. Expedalbikers - " you'd be surprised how slow we go" are offering lower rates but can't guarantee any delivery this year.
2. Bodgit and Leggit - "You'd be surprised if it arrived" are offering 500-1 odds on it arriving at all
3. S/Crew-U - "We'd be surprised if it arrived" are offering a hand crafted paperweight featuring the extended middle digit for business cards ease of use.
4. Viagra Falls - "We stick out for you" are offering a tripod
Kind Rear Guards
Mr.Nil Points
+++++ Kindly note that our weekend - is longer than yours ++++++
Reply to NFD - 4
From: Betty@forwarders.com
Sent: Wednesday, July 01, 2009 12:22 PM
To: NFD
Cc: CAF; MH; SH
Subject: Expeditors Mileage Programme
Thank you, Mr. NFD, for your recent request relating to the Awards account at Expeditors International.
Unfortunately, the individual that was supporting the awards offering was recently (as of yesterday), relieved of her duties and facing criminal charges for offering too much for too little.
In a recent Arthur Anderson audit that was conducted (perhaps you are familiar with this strong financial auditing organization - they were the primary accountancy and auditing team for Enron), it was established that rewards were given out for decreasing spend/points accumulation. This indication was clear in preferential and subjective treatment to certain clients.
We've attached a 10 month graph of your activity for your convenience.
Therefore, we have actually debited you for the awards given. Although we understand the inconvenience this may pose to your organization during these dire global economic times, we appreciate your understanding in the matter.
And, unfortunately, the 20% discount coupons previously received from NBK were not sufficient to cover this need.
We look forward to your response and appreciate your involvement in the Expeditors Awards Programme.
Betty
Director of Points and Various other Crap that no one wants to handle
Email: figure.itout@expediters.net
Telephone: 1-800-not-gonna-happen
Sent: Wednesday, July 01, 2009 12:22 PM
To: NFD
Cc: CAF; MH; SH
Subject: Expeditors Mileage Programme
Thank you, Mr. NFD, for your recent request relating to the Awards account at Expeditors International.
Unfortunately, the individual that was supporting the awards offering was recently (as of yesterday), relieved of her duties and facing criminal charges for offering too much for too little.
In a recent Arthur Anderson audit that was conducted (perhaps you are familiar with this strong financial auditing organization - they were the primary accountancy and auditing team for Enron), it was established that rewards were given out for decreasing spend/points accumulation. This indication was clear in preferential and subjective treatment to certain clients.
We've attached a 10 month graph of your activity for your convenience.
Therefore, we have actually debited you for the awards given. Although we understand the inconvenience this may pose to your organization during these dire global economic times, we appreciate your understanding in the matter.
And, unfortunately, the 20% discount coupons previously received from NBK were not sufficient to cover this need.
We look forward to your response and appreciate your involvement in the Expeditors Awards Programme.
Betty
Director of Points and Various other Crap that no one wants to handle
Email: figure.itout@expediters.net
Telephone: 1-800-not-gonna-happen
Nonsensical emails from my Boss (NFD) - 4
From: NFD
Sent: Wednesday, July 01, 2009 12:04 PM
To: MH; Betty@forwarders.com
Cc: SH; CAF
Subject: Expeditors Mileage Programme
Thanks for the flask, very usefull in Ramadan.
Can you send us your corporate catalogue so we know what we are entitled to for our next gift?
Not sure how many points we have so far - please check our balance of Expeditor miles, I guess it's based on miles our cargo travels. So we should be up to bronze level?
"You'd be surely prized on how far we go for you" is your corporate tag line?
Cheers
Retail Stationery Collector
+++++++ Kindly note that Sunday - Thursday is our weekend ++++++
Sent: Wednesday, July 01, 2009 12:04 PM
To: MH; Betty@forwarders.com
Cc: SH; CAF
Subject: Expeditors Mileage Programme
Thanks for the flask, very usefull in Ramadan.
Can you send us your corporate catalogue so we know what we are entitled to for our next gift?
Not sure how many points we have so far - please check our balance of Expeditor miles, I guess it's based on miles our cargo travels. So we should be up to bronze level?
"You'd be surely prized on how far we go for you" is your corporate tag line?
Cheers
Retail Stationery Collector
+++++++ Kindly note that Sunday - Thursday is our weekend ++++++
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